What you leave behind
by EveLGW
Summary: It hurts to be the one left behind. (spoilers for S6)


Rating: I guess PG, probably only G.  
Spoilers: Season 6 in general, maybe even for the next episode (6.15) but mostly just my imagination running on overdrive.  
Timeline: Set somewhere in the future.  
Keywords: Angst? Romance?  
Summary: Somebody does some thinking.  
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, I would sleep much better because then I wouldn't have to worry about the well-being of our heros.   
A/N: Okay, this one is odd. Really odd. Just another idea that wouldn't leave me alone. Probably sucks, so consider yourself warned. :-)  
  
  
  
What you leave behind  
by Eve  
  
  
I always used to make myself believe that everything was alright till he showed up again. I really thought he was gone for good, but no. He simply had to come back.   
  
I knew of course that they had a past together. But I thought that what we had would ... would be stronger than that. I thought we had something special. But I guess I was wrong, wasn't I?  
  
I don't want to sound bitter or something. I really don't want to. Because we had a wonderful time together after all. For me, it was just perfect. I was living in the moment, not wasting any time with thoughts about the future. Just very, very happy that we were finally together.   
  
  
You know, I had left Sunnydale before and never wanted to come back, but something - no scratch that - *somebody* made me come back. And of course it was her. Buffy. There was this feeling that wouldn't go away, that wouldn't let me turn my back on her completely. I guess she has a tendency to have this effect on people. *He's* the living proof of this, isn't he?  
  
So when I was back and after *he* was gone, we finally made it. He'd left town suddenly and over night. Back then I thought that he had simply realized that this thing between them just didn't work out and that it would be better to leave. I never questioned the reasons for his departure, mostly because I was just glad to have him out of her life for good. The aftermath wasn't pretty and of course it took some time and some drastic changes but we made it.   
  
It was perfect.   
  
Well, looking back I have to admit that maybe not everything was as perfect between us as I wanted it to be. But what relationship really is? I mean, every couple has its differences from time to time. And yes, I knew there were some things I couldn't give her. But she always seemed so eager to look past this. I guess in the end it simply wasn't enough for her.   
  
Something was missing.   
  
*I* was missing something and I know exactly what it was. But there wasn't anything I could do about it, you know? I am just the way I am. I really thought we could work it out. I tried to prove myself to her time and again but she hardly ever noticed.  
  
So ... *he* came back. Drove into town, parked right in front of *our* house and waited. Didn't even have to get out of the damn car and come to our door in order to let her turn her back on me and walk out of my life.  
  
  
Probably she never loved me. I mean, I thought it all changed after I came back to her, thought that she'd started to love me back. To give her some credit she never actually said the words to me. I didn't mind, because I thought her actions told me enough about her feelings. Some idiot I was, wasn't I? But I guess I was just being blinded by my own emotions. I only saw what I wanted to see.  
  
So when she wanted me to move in with her, I thought it was because she loved me and wanted me to be near her. That the social services would be pleased with Buffy providing a real home for her sister with a male role-model was just a nice bonus. Now of course I realize that this was probably the main reason for her offer.   
  
I know I should feel angry and used and sometimes I do. But somehow I can't bring myself to hate her for what she did. Because I can understand why she did those things. And because I still love her. But as the story goes, this love wasn't enough.  
  
  
By the time his car had stopped in front of our house, Dawn was already in her first year at college. Buffy wanted her to have a life as normal as she was able to provide it for her and so they decided on a college somewhere in the Midwest. Far enough away from Sunnydale to get her out of the danger zone but not too far away for frequent visits.  
  
So I guess there was really nothing left to hold her back when he leaned over and opened the passenger's door of his car. I was watching his movements from behind the curtains when I heard her steps coming behind me to a stop. I turned and opened my mouth in order to make some remark about how he had to be insane to show again but didn't got the words past the rapidly forming lump in my throat when I caught sight of her expression. And the fact that she carried a packed suitcase in each of her hands. She put them down and walked up to me till she was standing right in front of me. Reaching up she framed my face with her hands and kissed me. I knew it meant goodbye.  
  
A sad smile on her face she wiped the moisture on my cheeks which I hadn't even noticed away with a gentle brush of her thumbs. Then she looked past me outside the window and when she caught a glimpse of the person sitting in the telltale car, a kind of fire I hadn't even known was missing flickered in her eyes. Something seemed to come to life in her, *she* seemed to come to life before my very eyes and I began to understand that she'd never really been there with me.  
  
When she turned around again to face me, I couldn't tear my gaze away from her shining eyes. Shining with love, but not for me. For *him*. "Go," was all I was able to say, whispered words sounding too loud in the silence of the room. She started to speak but I just shook my head, smiled sadly and gazed down at her petite form. "Don't let him wait another three years." She was still holding my gaze as she took my hand into hers. "Thank you. For everything." Then she let go, opened the door, picked up her luggage and walked out of my life into his open arms to finally start her own. With him.  
  
  
I don't know if they ever returned to Sunnydale. I left town as soon as possible, nothing holding me back now that she was out of my reach for good. I'd really thought that I'd be able to hold on to her but when I saw that look in her eyes I simply knew. Knew that Buffy's always been out of my reach, cause like he once told me I simply wasn't her type, wasn't dark enough for her, had no monster in my nature.  
  
At least that's what I keep telling myself each time when I start thinking about her again. But right then, at the very moment when I've nearly managed to persuade myself that it was just this part of his nature that attracted her to him, that she was throwing her future and her life away for some cheap thrill, I remember that look in her eyes when she gazed out of the window. I remember the fire, the love that surfaced from deep within her being and began to shine brightly in her brown eyes. That's the moment when I realize that he'd been wrong. So very wrong.  
  
He got the better deal after all. 


End file.
